A Little Foolishness Can Be a Good Thing
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I’m all wet, but I’m not complaining. No, that’s not Weight Room sweat streaking my back, it’s West Coast rain, as a matter of fact. Let the rains come down. Like cash, we need it desperately in California.
I don’t know whether to feel guilty, weakened and depressed because the world is a mess and suffering, or thankful and emboldened I’m not under five feet of snow like my brother in Colorado, at the end of a gun in Afghanistan or shifting haunting debris in Haiti... or at the end of a legislator’s pointless pen in DC.
Ahh, but the house is dry, there’s a fire in the hearth and the gym is down the road and packed with iron. I’ve got two scoops of Bomber Blend in my belly and four-wheel-drive in the truck, my gear is in my gym bag and Laree’s in the Tower at the controls.
Time for a flight of might to the fields of steel.
My workouts are most effective when they are fun, and they are most fun when they are effective. I’m approaching that place in my training where it must be fun, or I’m not going to do it. Like Danny Glover said in Lethal Weapon, “I’m getting too old for this poop.” The predicament is I’ll be, as Laree likes to point out, a revolting and miserable creature who’s impossible to live with if I don’t do it.
Sometimes it takes trickery to convince an ole ironhead his workout will be fun and effective. I’ve heaped up half a century of barbells and dumbbells and the pile’s getting high. Time for some fast talking, if ya know what I mean.
You can fool an ole ironhead some of the time, but you can’t fool him all of the time. To be fooled some of the time can be a good thing.
Half my workout is complete before I enter the gym— the tough part, the mental-preparation and -construction part, the part where I’m compelled to work with limited resources and dwindling incentives. The place I come from is slightly torn and tattered and the place I’m planning to go is forward and flattered.
Gee, aren’t we in a peachy mood today? Don’t believe me; it’s a handy trick. I imagine I’m down, really down, and then, suddenly, boldly, deceptively, I pivot on my heels and both discover and reveal how positive and vital I truly am. Surprise!
The above foolishness makes sense, if you scratch your head and read it enough times, but it’s not worth it. Move on.
Moving on, a half-dozen similarly exciting tricks worth mentioning:
1) I convince myself that anything is better than nothing, and I’m simply going to the gym for a quick pump and to burn a few calories; a lovable workout to tantalize the body, get the blood flowing and lubricate the joints.
I’m all smiles as I enter the gym. “Hi, gang. Let’s have a few laughs.” Of course, within 10 minutes seriousness sneaks up from behind and bites me on the butt. Youch! I’m on fire and pounding the body, the blood’s surging and the joints are hissing. I’m bombing and blasting with a thin grin.
2) Today’s WO will be short, just one body part and I’m outta there— so the story goes. I buy it, why not. I’m all smiles as I enter the gym. Yo. Wazup! 10 minutes later, after a few rope tucks, I determine the single body part is legs. I forgot to mention I’m an octopus, or, at least it seems like I am lately.
With a Daffy heart and Goofy legs, I feel like pudgy Elmer Fudd chasing Bugs Bunny in a carrot patch. Get over here, you wily wittle wabbit. He twicked me, he twicked me, the wascal twicked me.
Works every time.
3) I underscore the positive: Just think of the rewards, the exhilarating feeling at the end of the training session, the fulfilling pump, the irresistible action of the muscles, the unlimited potential with the iron in hand, the solid feel of another rep, set and workout invested; the cleansing and de-stressing, the enhancing and advancing and empowering. Nothing beats a workout with the weights for pure mental, physical and spiritual elevation.
And, then, it ends. The iron is set down with a thud. I stagger to my gym bag and reel for a few seconds before retrieving it and continuing on my delirious way. Far out! I consider the gratification of lifting as I struggle to cross the parking lot. Gee! Behind the wheel and gasping for air, I evaluate my empowerment. Wow! One more gulp of air before I engage the engine, I reflect upon my spiritual growth. Holy cow!
That night I can’t move. The next day I don’t dare or care to.
4) A startling new training technique has a stimulating effect on my training enthusiasm and I’m good for a stunner every couple of weeks. There are so many variables with which to work—the many muscle groups, the assorted exercises, the sets and reps, the pace and the days and the weeks— and the innumerable combinations and modifications within.
I write each individual variable on a scrap of paper and dump the whole lot into a bucket. After thoroughly mixing the ingredients, I grab half a dozen scraps or so and piece a workout together. It works every time. It’s worked for years.
The single-volume encyclopedia, Random Training Principle by DD, will be released as soon as I write it and Laree edits it. Here’s a sample routine:
17 sets of 25 reps of deep squats supersetted with one-arm chins every 9th day of the month...
Some random routines need fine-tuning.
5) Another trick, probably the most common bit of chicanery in my trick box, is the threat I will die from suffocation in my sleep if I don’t go to the steel mill. It’s possible. Or I’ll subconsciously will my speeding truck into oncoming traffic... or a wall, whichever comes first. Creepy. Or I will surely shrivel up into a pulsing ooze of glistening fat. Really creepy!
Off to the gym, steady as she goes. 17 sets of 25 reps of deep squats and one-arm chins... it’s an authentic RTP by DD.
6) The biggest and best trick is the unvarnished fact, the untangled truth, the undiluted reality, the understated certainty that training with the iron builds muscles and strength and health and character and chases away the blues and brings us closer to ourselves and our dogs and our true friends and God.
Now that may not sound like a trick, but it is, isn’t it?
Finally, lifts weights and shut up, as they say, when everything else fails.
GO -- DD
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