The Great IronOnline Truth Test
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Life is short, the days are swift, but the moments of doubt are long. How are we progressing, we ask in accord. The inquiry is universal, multifaceted and pervasive; the answer a wonder.
I have constructed a test of one question to determine the attributes and advancement of attending IronOnline bombers -- a clever device to spotlight the curiosity and resolve the mystery of how are we doing.
You load sixteen ton and what do you get?
A) Huge and ripped
B) Another day older
C) Deeper in debt
D) A sore back
E) Fulfillment
F) Pleasure
Choose one. The answer you select reveals your inner being -- your character.
A) Optimistic B) Realistic C) Pessimistic D) Pathetic E) Simplistic F) Sadistic
I enjoy and appreciate impromptu quizzes, don’t you? They keep us alert and on our toes. And they say we’re all muscles and no brains. Ha! Fooled ’em again, airheads.
So, how’d ya do?
Yeah, I know. Lotta Ds! But, hey, we try hard. We train hard. We blast it!
Let’s move on to more stirring things, like the spoon in your morning coffee or the local weather or the year-end challenge.
Business of the day:
I, the Bomber, have been unanimously selected by my astute and faithful IOL staff, Laree and Mugsy, as your friendly End-of-the-Year Challenge Checker (Laree didn’t want the job, Mugsy’s a cat). My records show many of you have signed onto the IOL-07 Challenge. Good for you! I deem this act courageous, constructive and wise... and binding.
A quick review of the current log-on data, however, indicates certain weak-kneed challengers are negligent in providing his or her regular progress reports. This is a breech of commitment and must be confronted directly. My duty as Checker is to remind you, encourage you, persuade, stimulate or threaten you to revive your ’07 goals and attend them enthusiastically.
I implore you to work with me that we might resolve this troubling issue posthaste. Select below the approach that is appropriate to your particular needs. Be bold, choose them all.
1) Tough approach
We take this personally. We are a serious mob. We have little patience. We know where you live.
If I were you, here's what I'd do: Think of your kids, spouses, lovers, friends and pets and possessions. Either the iron goes up or you’re going down.
Note: This methodology is iffy and seldom requested. We contract out to an east coast firm.
2) Practical approach
Bomber: Think of the importance of the challenge and what it has to offer: health and strength, honor and long life. Consider the consequences if you don’t participate as pledged: guilt and disappointment, lost days and wasted weeks, pudginess and vulnerability stoutness and inadequacy.
Our training is integral to our wellbeing and deserves special attention. You know it, it’s a fact of life and you endorse it highly. It must be done and any postponement is costly and counterproductive, feeble and destructive. Lift that iron, drop the junk food and move like a lean machine, jellybean.
3) Loving approach
I know exactly how you feel, bomber. Lifting weights, eating right and being conservative and disciplined in your living habits can be a real drag. The payoffs are grand, but the payments are often downright painful, troublesome and tedious. It’s during these trying moments of discouragement and discomfort when our character and courage -- our core strengths -- are created, defined and engaged.
We press on or we falter, step forward or stumble backward, reach ahead or rest on our broadening haunches. I cannot relax and enjoy life if I let it go. Only when I grasp life, the precious gift, am I strong and deserving, relieved of stress and at peace with the moment.
A short and sweet workout today, one that stimulates the mind and muscle and soul, is the perfect workout. Tomorrow it will bear legs, the next day wings, and the day after air beneath those wings as they spread wide and far. You’re soaring.
4) Casual approach
What’s the big fuss? We all can use a challenge to brighten our spirits and sharpen our egos and tone our bods. Go to the gym, lift a few weights, ride the stationary bike and watch the tube. Meet new friends, dig up some action and talk about sports between sets and reps.
Blast it on occasion when your hormones line up like soldiers on the front line. Cool! What a relief! Before you know it, it’s time for a steam, Jim Beam.
About food, don’t eat the whole pizza and drink the last beer. Get rid of the soda and dump the chips. You don’t need ’em and you won’t miss ’em if they’re not staring you in the face. Up the protein and lower the sugar and greasy fat; take a supplement and drink more water, and throw in some poptop tuna fasts when you feel mean and nasty, and smile as the days go by and the fat evaporates and the strength grows and the muscle tones.
Relax. It’s what happens, man. It works.
5) Desperate approach
Pssst! Hey you, listen up. We don’t have much time. You’ve gotta do the challenge now before it’s too late. The end of the year is coming fast and you’re gonna be a mess if you don’t start blasting it -- today. Blasting works!! And, if you don’t move now, you won’t move again.
Remember last year? You stopped training and gained 22 pounds in 22 days; your gym membership lapsed and they dismissed you from the bowling team for tossing the ball from your seat... missed the lane, missed the gutter, hit the rent-a-cop.
It’s now or never. Delay and die, go now or go home, bomb it or explode.
6) Zero approach
Why bother, who needs it -- The Cop-out -- Withdrawals.
What’s it all mean, bombers? You go to the gym like a faithful cleric, you lift weights like a big gorilla, you eat like a starving canary, you sacrifice like a shrouded monk and you get hit by lightening like a hapless limb in a vast forest.
You struggle with the weights through the summer and gain 10 pounds. You catch the flu in the winter and lose 15 pounds. That was encouraging... let’s do it again.
No one enjoys dieting, sacrificing and denying, but it must be done if you’re going to lose the excessive 25 to 50 pounds of fat (who can tell anymore?). Swell. Life stops for an endless season of hefting and hoisting, spinning and chinning and veggies and fresh fruits and teensy portions of fish and chicken and water.
We get a little touchy when the blood sugar is low and the iron is heavy and the sinew is soft and time is wasting and the thrill is gone.
Hi, Sweetheart. Where ya headed?
Shut it, Dorky. I’m gonna run around the block like a fool and lift kettlebells in the garage like a caged animal. What’s it to you?
I’m so proud of you, Dear. You’re making such good prog...
How would you like a poke in the schnozolla, ya ole bat? Just keep it up... boom, zoom!
SOS -- 911 -- Mayday -- Medic -- Coach -- Oxygen -- End-of-the-Year Challenge
Those are your choices, my loyal warriors. I leave you with a few final hints or insights or viewpoints that might sufficiently confuse you. There’s order in confusion.
Sometimes challenges work best when you keep them a secret all to yourself -- you and your inner partner. You whisper, you coax and coddle them.
Sometimes they work best when you set them on cruise-control and disregard assessment and scrutiny. Let them be. They happen.
Sometimes you’ve got to carefully share them and examine them, press and stretch them to make them work. A little help from your friends can’t hurt.
Sometimes they work best when you with confidence move them to center stage and under the spotlight for everyone to see. There they are in all their nakedness for observation and comment and criticism. Way to go.
There’s some big thunder in our central California skies, ominous and foreboding. The rains are yet to unleash, permitting me time move my shiny craft to the snug safety of the comfy hangar.
Stay dry and get huge and ripped, or lean and mean, or big and strong, or trim and shapely, or thick and powerful, or light and tight, or fast and flexible...
Go and don’t look back... God’s Speed... Dave
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